Wrestling for Gay Guys

SUPPLEMENT When I wrote Wrestling for Gay Guys I realised that when it comes to wrestling the crux of the problem for most gay men is that they lack aggression because they have problems expressing anger, aggression being an off-shoot of anger.      I tackled this on pages 44-45 with the explanation of how the neurotic fear of expressing anger arises for gay men. I did not want to spend too much time on it as this was a book about wrestling and I already had a large part of it dealing with psychological problems that gay men have when wanting to take up a sport like wrestling especially with respect to their parents, apart from their lack of aggression.      I am now fearful that I did not cover the topic sufficiently to make it of use to the casual gay reader.      This is because the mind has a natural tendency to preserve the status quo and this can mean that any passage that tries to change the status quo is dealt with by the mind preventing the actual meaning from being understood by the reader, or listener, as the case may be.      This is why effecting a change by psychotherapy may take time, as the change needs to be approached from different angles before the mind will allow the meaning to become clear to the reader or listener.      This is what I am now attempting to do by introducing this supplement.      Why bother?      The ability to be aggressive is paramount in a sport like wrestling, and may be the very quality that gay men who repress their own aggression, find so attractive in straight men.      When I was initially unable to be aggressive the other boys in the wrestling club I was attending complained that I was "holding back" as that was how my behaviour seemed to them.      When I ran the Gay Wrestling Group in London during the 1970s this was the problem that confronted me with my members. They were unable to be aggressive and consequently they were unable to use many takedown manoeuvres effectively.      Instead, they waited for their opponent to take them down.      This is not how wrestling works. If you are able to take your opponent down you are actually controlling his body and by being in that position you are also able to set him up to be pinned unless you lose control.      Control of your opponent is everything in wrestling.      To win you have to be able to control your opponent's body and to control his body you have to be aggressive to prevent him from controlling you, which is the route to getting pinned and losing the fight.      Wrestling is thus an excellent way to bring home to gay men who repress their anger the importance of being able to use their anger and aggression, not only in wrestling but also in life generally. This is how straight men manage to prevent others from manipulating them. This is a valuable lesson for most gay men, those who repress their anger and suffer the consequences in many ways.      Problems most gay men have as a consequence are feeling oppressed by society being bullied initially at school being unable to stand up for themselves being frightened of "violence" being always late for appointments being unable to find "Mr Right" needing to use "poppers" to reach an orgasm feeling people would not like them if the people knew      what the gay men are really like.      As you can see from the above list, repressing anger causes more problems than it solves.      These are all symptoms of repressed anger. Yes, I am afraid so. And there are a lot more problems also caused by repressing anger that I have not even mentioned.      If repressing anger is so bad for gay men, why do they repress it?      This is due to a neurosis which they develop early in life. So early, in fact, that they have forgotten the cause of it and that is why they are unable to stop this learned behaviour. (see page 40 of Wrestling for Gay Guys or page 218 of Escape the Gay Straitjacket of which the latter deals with the problem in a more detailed way.) HOW I CURED MY NEUROSIS When I turned twenty-one I had a coming-of-age party for my friends (as opposed to the coming-of-age party for my family) at which I wore a white strapless ballgown that I had had made especially for the occasion. I just felt that that was what I wanted to do. It was a "fancy dress party" by which I meant a drag party. In those days I wore a suit to work and affected always wearing a bow tie.      When I was offered the part-time job of being a second for professional wrestling I felt that the pro wrestlers would not take to my wearing a bow tie so from that moment I changed to wearing an ordinary tie. I was around 28 years old at the time.      For a time I worked as an instructor in a gym and health club. One evening the manageress was in her office with her boyfriend who was insanely jealous.      I heard him screaming at the top of his voice at her, "Megan, if I catch you with another man I will KILL you". (That was not her real name.)      I was struck dumb by this threat that resounded through the gym. Being a wimpy gay man I felt helpless. I didn't know or see what I could do. Surely it was up to Megan and her boyfriend to sort out. There was only one member training in the gym at the time besides myself. He stopped training and went straight into the manageress's office.      "Get out of here NOW!" he commanded.      Megan's boyfriend made no reply but quietly slunk off out of the health club into the night.      The member came back into the gym and resumed his training. I felt humiliated. As a member of staff it should have been my duty to take the situation in hand but instead I left it to a member to do it for me. I felt so ashamed.      Some years later I was working for a printing firm. Our delivery man came into my office with his assistant to collect some boxes for delivery.      He looked at me and said, "What are you standing there for like a poof?"      "Careful!" the driver's assistant said, "He'll have a go at you."      "No, he won't", retorted the driver, "He won't do a thing."      And he was quite right. That made the hurt all that much worse. I couldn't do a thing. That, in spite of the fact that I had been training in wrestling for four or five years. I was frightened that, if I took the man down to the ground, he might bang his head on the wall, fracture his skull and then the ambulance would have to be called, and I might get the sack and there would be a court case. All these fears left me transfixed to the spot, helpless.      At the next meeting of the psychotherapy group that I was attending at the Tavistock Clinic in London I related the whole sad event.      What I had not realised was that, as a baby, my mother had done everything for me: washed me, fed me, changed my nappies. It was natural, therefore, to want to have her for myself and to want to, somehow, get rid of my father.      In the 1970s I had read many books in the library about homosexuality which in those days was known as "sexual deviance". A great number of studies had been done about the relationship between the parents and the baby who would grow up homosexual. It was shown that in thousands of instances the father spent less time at home after the birth. This was believed to be because the mother gave all her attention to the new baby and very little attention to the father who felt left out and ignored and, consequently looked for interests outside the home.      However, if you look at the previous paragraph but one, you will see that I wanted, somehow, to get rid of my father. And, if all these studies can be believed (and there are so many of them that it is hard NOT to believe them!) my wish had been partially fulfilled, as my father had spent less time at home. But, of course, I believed that he was spending less time at home because my wish had been granted. This made me feel responsible and guilty. It also made me feel frightened that my father would retaliate against me and take his revenge on me for what I had done to him. You may have already noticed that what was going on in my mind was a complete misinterpretation of the situation.      The reality was that it was my mother that had caused him to spend less time at home, not me! But this misunderstanding of the situation made me frightened of my father, of his revenging himself against me, and because at the time he was a giant compared to the little baby that I was, the consequences of that happening would have been devastating for me.      Once I realised that I had made this ridiculous mistake I no longer felt frightened of what my father might do to me because, of course, it was my mother he was angry with, not me. So my neurosis was cured. If you are suffering from the same neurosis then it is possible that you will now realise your mistake too: that your father was not angry with you, he was angry with your mother, so there was never any possibility of him revenging himself on you. You simply made the same mistake that I had.      My attitude to the world around me suddenly changed. I no longer felt frightened of what other men might do to me. I had seen some of the women I worked with as strong personalities, now suddenly they seemed rather pathetic people. I playfully punched guys at work in the stomach as I passed them in the corridor.      Soon afterwards I went on holiday to Lido di Jesolo near Venice. I was lying in my swimbriefs on one of the boardwalks that projected out into the sea when one of the other young Englishmen at my hotel walked out towards me with his girlfriend. Without any hesitation I said to him, "Do you want to wrestle?"      "Yes, OK", he replied.      I did not know it at the time, but his girlfriend told me afterwards that he had been learning judo for some years which was why he accepted my challenge.      He took off his straw hat and stripped down to his swimbriefs. I forgot that I had been on the boardwalk to tan in the sun and had covered my body with olive oil as a friend had told me that that was what he used to get his glorious tan. This would make it more difficult for my sudden opponent to take a grip on my body but it didn't enter my mind at the time.      We locked together and the wrestling commenced. Arms hooked each other, legs entwined while his girlfriend holding his straw hat and clothes watched from a short distance.      "Can you swim?" I asked him in the midst of the struggle.      "Yes", he replied.      "Well", I retorted, "then swim" and I pushed him off the boardwalk after I had made sure that some waves had come in and made the water deep enough that he would not hurt himself as he plunged into it from a height. It was like giving him a ducking without actually being there to push his head under the water.      He surfaced and I directed him to the ladder up the side of the boardwalk. He climbed up the ladder eager to get his revenge on me for the humiliation I had just shown him. As he reached the top of the ladder and mounted the boardwalk I cunningly gave him another push and he plunged once again down into the sea.      This was no longer the wimp that I once was, frightened of banging a guy's head against the wall in case he broke his skull, having to have the ambulance called and frightened of the court case that might ensue. I was no longer frightened of other men, eager to stand up for myself against them and prove that I was a real man to be reckoned with.      About a week later during our vacation at Lido di Jesolo his girlfriend confided in me that I had completely crushed her boyfriend with our wrestle because he considered himself quite adept at judo, having trained for some years at it. This was a complete turnaround in my life. Instead of being the one who was crushed (like so many gay men) I was now able to stand up for myself and show other men what I was capable of and that they could not push me around any more!      A few days later on the same holiday I had another satisfying experience that helped me adjust to my new-found power.      One of the waiters at our hotel was a handsome, cocky young guy who kept flirting with the girls and putting it about that he was ready for it.      He had made a sort of friendship with one of the girls in our group but he threw her around on the beach to show everyone his judo skills. The poor girl was probably glad of his attention but she had no skills in judo and I felt a little troubled at the heavy way he slammed her down to the ground. I felt someone in our group needed to stand up for the girl and tell him to be more gentle with her.      I discussed the situation with some of the other guys in our group and they agreed that the waiter was manhandling her too roughly.      I felt this damsel in distress needed a knight in shining armour to protect her and I thought that knight had better be me as no one else volunteered to do anything although they all seemed to agree that something needed to be done. The waiter was also sexy enough for me to relish having a wrestle with him on the sand and any excuse would do, whatever the outcome . . .      The next day a group of us Brits was on the beach and, soon enough the sexy waiter started throwing the English girl to the sand with a heavy thud.      I tapped him on the shoulder and suggested, "Don't throw her so heavily . . . " meaning only to suggest to him to modify his behaviour -- I didn't want to stop her enjoying his attention, but before I could finish my sentence he turned to me and snapped,      "You don't tell me what I must do", and, quickly turning his back on me, walked away.      I know Italian men are very proud but I felt his disdain like a slap in the face and I knew I couldn't let it go like that. I didn't know what I should do but before I could consider what options I had available an opportunity presented itself.      Within seconds he had taken the English girl again, lifted her off her feet, and dumped her heavily on the sand next to him.      This was really too much for me to bear. I didn't like the contempt with which he had treated me.      I bent down, grabbed his ankle and proceeded to drag him away from our group across the sand and down towards the sea.      I expected him to at least try to kick himself free with his other leg but he did nothing to try to stop me. He came with me willy-nilly like a lamb to slaughter.      We reached the wet sand and I dragged him through the wavelets spreading over the sand on into the deeper water. When the water was high enough to prevent him from breathing I let go of his leg and allowed him to stand up, not knowing how he would react to the humiliation I had dealt him or whether he would turn on me and throw a punch at my face.      He stood up without paying me any attention and began shaking the sand out of his hair and probably other places where one would prefer the sand not to get into.      That allowed me to complete his humiliation by giving him a ducking so that he would know I would not tolerate his behaviour.      I threw my arms around his upper body and dragged him deeper into the sea. When the water was above our waist level I twisted my body to drag him off-balance and then plunged him into and watched him disappear under the water.      Some guys go the whole hog when administering a ducking to someone and hold the victim under the water until he can no longer hold his breath and starts breathing water and then staggers out of the water gasping for air.      I did not think it was really necessary for me to go to those lengths so once his head was under the water I let go of him so that he could get back onto his feet. He would know he had been ducked by me and that was the only message I needed him to get.      This time he stood up and began marching straight out of the sea and onto the beach. I thought he was heading back to our group but once he had dry sand under his feet he hurried down the beach away from us.      I think he had learned his lesson.      When I returned to our group someone said, "He was asking for that!" which I took to mean, "Well done!"      When we returned to the hotel that evening for supper I was wondering what would happen when he and I confronted each other again, but he didn't appear during the meal and when we asked where he was, the only reply that we got was "He doesn't work here any more." We never found out whether he handed his notice in or whether he was sacked, but either way I was quite relieved as I had been wondering whether he would blow his nose in the plate of soup before he served it to me. I didn't have to worry about that either any more.      At the end of our holiday when our group arrived back in Britain and were saying our good-byes to each other before going our different ways, the guy I had wrestled on the boardwalk shook my hand and held it for so long I started wondering whether he was going to come home with me or whether I would have to go with him.      Thinking about it later I realised that he was probably trying to show his admiration for me because he was unable to put it into words.      This was the start of a new life for me. How I had changed! It was not so long ago that when our driver had said I was standing like a poof I was just helpless and unable to say or do anything but now I had well and truly escaped from my gay straitjacket and was able earn the admiration of straights because I could stand up for myself . . . and anyone else who needed a knight in armour to protect them.      How different my life was now going to be!! FROM A DIFFERENT VIEWPOINT . . . For many readers, my explanation on pages 44-45 of Wrestling for Gay Guys is not easy to understand.       It may be that they "blank over" while reading it. This is a normal behaviour called 'scotomization' on the part of the mind in order to preserve the status quo. The words may all be simple words that you understand but, linked together in the present format, the mind prevents you from understanding the meaning conveyed by them. That, in fact, was what happened to me when the psychiatrist presented this interpretation to me for the first time and I had to ask him what he meant.       His reaction was to leave well alone, he realised that my mind was trying to preserve the status quo but I was adamant that I wanted to know what he had said as I wanted to be cured of my problem(s), so I asked him to repeat what he had said.       That reminds me of the joke about: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?       Only one, but the light bulb has got to want to change.       Your mind is trying to preserve the status quo so that you are not upset, but your mind needs to realise that far from upsetting you these new ideas are very welcome because they will help you to understand the misconception that you have been labouring under all your life that has made you repress your anger. It is well known that repressing one's anger causes more problems than it solves, so this new passage that your mind is frightened will upset you, will actually release you from all these problems that you have had to endure and it will make you happier, more fulfilled and successful so this passage is really very welcome if it brings you such release from your problems.       The fact that your mind has blanked over when reading this passage is actually a good sign. It shows that your mind has recognised that the passage will cause a change in you if you were to understand it. What that is telling you is that that passage is the key to your cure and your mind has recognised this and that is why it has prevented you from understanding the meaning. It tells you that you are on the right track to a cure. What you need to do is to keep returning to that passage until your mind allows you to understand its meaning, which it will do given time.       To be cured, you need to want to not be bullied any more, to not have debilitating depressions any more, to not be frightened of other men any more, to be able to use your anger constructively, to be able to stand up for yourself . . .       I would suggest, therefore, that if you "blanked over" during what the psychiatrist said then, after say a week, you need to go back to the passage and read it again having given your mind some time to reconsider and adjust to your needs, and repeat that process for as long as it takes to rid you of this neurosis that has been wrecking your life.       Other readers resent that the way I explained the "fear of violence" neurosis was in a Freudian style which they consider to be old-fashioned and "out of date". The reason I explained it in a "Freudian" manner was simply that that was how it had been explained to me. As I have not studied psychology per se I am not able to suggest other ways or other schools of psychology in which to explain what I had been told. My feeling is just that the way I was told it, worked for me and so I see no reason why it should not work for you. The Freudian style has not suddenly stopped working, it is as efficacious as it ever was, it is only that there are now other methods which are less labour-intensive, that is, they do not require weekly visits of one hour each to a psychiatrist over a period of three years or perhaps, even, five or ten years.       Though my explanation was in the Freudian style I had done the hourly sessions twice a week over five years on your behalf. I had discovered what the solution to this particular problem is and was able to present it to you, the reader, for your absorption and realisation, in the space of a short paragraph.       What is lacking, of course, is the five years during which my mind was slowly introduced to the final realisation so that changing the status quo was not such a sudden mind-disturbing event. Even after the five years of therapy which I underwent my mind still tried to preserve the status quo as I was, at first, not able to understand what the psychiatrist had said even though he had couched it in simple terms.       What Wrestling for Gay Guys and to a greater extent my book Escape the Gay Straitjacket is trying to do for you is to save you all these years and expense of visiting a psychiatrist yourself so do not despair if it does not work for you the first time you read it. The solution to your problems is there in that paragraph which you should keep going back to until you understand it clearly and it works its cure for you as it did for me and other readers.       I managed to bring one reader to experience the realisation by persuading him to re-read Escape the Gay Straitjacket not once, but twice! Perhaps I should persuade you to re-read the book two, or even three, times if you have not yet read it.       Goodness sake, why?       There is a lot of information in Escape the Gay Straitjacket and also in Wrestling for Gay Guys, a lot of which will be totally new to most gay men and quite revolutionary for you. The books are a distillation of 15 or 20 years of my life or perhaps even 30 years of my life, and it is therefore perhaps optimistic to expect any reader to absorb it all at a first reading. Like an encyclopaedia they should be books that one goes back to time and again, to confirm a particular word or understand a particular meaning. In this world where people expect everything to be instantaneous Escape the Gay Straitjacket is perhaps an anomaly. You may need time for your mind to adjust to what is new to you in the book. You may need to re-read it once you have read it or perhaps again after a month, or even some years, have passed, and the same with Wrestling for Gay Guys. That they can change your life I am still convinced of and so do many readers, so they are nuggets of gold that you should not discard if you don't at first have success.       Other readers felt that they had had a good relationship with their fathers so what the psychiatrist said did not really apply to them. They were remembering how their relationship with their father was during their teen years but this is the time when straight sons typically tend to rebel against the authority of their fathers and form "gangs" with their peers.       If you feel that the psychiatrist is not accurately describing your relationship with your father then you need to ask yourself if what you are recalling is indeed the period during your teens or whether you can really recall the period from birth to your fifth year of life. If it is the time during your teens then perhaps you have forgotten, or have never been able to remember what happened in your first year of life, and that is really the time we are talking about. That is the time when your father spent less time at home and that change is what has affected you.       How could such a change have affected you? Let me explain.       When you were a baby you were helpless. You could not go to the toilet, you needed your mother to change your nappy for you. Your mother had to feed you when you were hungry whether that was by offering you one of the nipples on her bosom or whether you were fed with a bottle.       Your mother felt that you were very "special". This crops up again and again in research into the nature of homosexuality. This may have been because you had been a difficult birth, it may have been that you had an illness soon after your birth that made her feel you were physically weak and that she needed to give you extra care and attention so that you did not have a relapse, or perhaps she felt for some other reason that you were in some way "special".       Before you were born your father spent most of his time at home with your mother but, once you were born, your mother felt she needed to devote more time to you because of your illness or because she felt you were weak or special and because she felt you needed her care and devotion. Some mothers enjoy this rôle as it gives them a feeling of being important because your life depends upon it.       On the other hand, your father had enjoyed the company of your mother before you were born but after your birth he felt that your mother had to devote so much time and attention to you that she was spending less time with him. This left your father feeling that your mother was ignoring him and, instead of spending time enjoying her company, he was sitting at home on his own, while your mother attended to you. Your father then felt that there were other places or people he could visit that, as your mother was devoting her time to you, she would not notice his absence if he went to visit other friends or places. Consequently he spent less time at home than he did before you were born.       As far as you were concerned you felt very happy that your mother was doing things for you that you were unable to do for yourself like feeding you and changing your nappy. Because your mother was so important to you in your early life you wished that she did not have to leave you, you wished that somehow you could get rid of your father so that your mother could devote all her time just to you so that you need not feel worried, when she left you, that perhaps she would not come back.       Babies often feel that they cause everything to happen in the world. That is because when they are hungry and cry, mother comes running to feed them, and when they are wet and cry, mother comes running to change their nappies. And when they wish that mother would spend all her time with them and not have to spend some of it with their father, they wish their father would somehow go away or could be gotten rid of, so that, when father spends less time at home because mother is spending so much of her time with you, the baby feels that his wish, to somehow get rid of his father has half been granted.       When the baby feels that his wish has half been granted because father is spending less time at home, the baby then begins to worry that the father will be angry that baby’s wish has half been granted and will be angry with the baby (with you) because he will feel that it was your fault, it was your wish to get rid of him, that made him spend less time at home.       Babies think that this is what has happened because, as I have explained, they feel they cause everything in the world to happen. Even when they grow up some people still feel, if something happens, that they must somehow have caused it to happen when there is no possibility that they could have caused it and the cause is clearly somewhere else.       Now we have a situation where baby believes father is angry with him and will want to vent his anger on baby. From baby’s point of view father is much bigger than he is, father is a giant compared to baby and this is a very frightening situation to be in. Baby believes that a giant is going to vent his wrath on baby who is very small and also helpless. This is even more frightening.       But wait a moment! We already know that father is spending less time at home because it is mother who is driving him away by ignoring him because she is so busy looking after the new baby (you). Therefore baby’s belief that he is to blame for driving father away is completely wrong! Baby does not realise this. In fact you have been under this completely mistaken viewpoint all your life to date! It is time for you to realise that father has never been angry with you. He never knew that you had wanted to get rid of him. Father was actually angry with your mother because she was spending so much time with you and ignoring him.       All your life you have been subconsciously frightened of this giant of a man venting his anger on you and doing unspeakable things to you because you were a small baby and so helpless and he wanted revenge. But all your life you have been frightened by a fantasy because we now know that what you thought, was completely mistaken and wrong. It was a fantasy! You had come to the wrong conclusion and believed in a fantasy.       This is where your fear of "violence" erupting comes from, but it is completely without any foundation as we have now seen. You were never the object of your father’s anger or revenge. It was not your wish to get rid of your father that drove him away but your mother’s selfish dedication to caring for her baby and ignoring her husband that drove your father away.       Let me recap what I have explained in some detail.       When you were a baby mother spent all her time caring for you with the result that your father felt ignored and decided to spend less time at home. That is to say, he went out more often.       As mother was caring for you and giving you all the care that you needed you wished that, somehow, you could have her to yourself and get rid of your father in some way.       When your father spent less time at home you felt that your wish to get rid of him had half been granted.       The result of that was that you became frightened that your father was angry with you for getting rid of him and would revenge himself on you. As he was a giant in comparison with yourself this made it all the more frightening for you who was a small, helpless baby.       Your conclusion, as we can now see, was completely false. Your father was angry with your mother because she was spending less time with him. He was never angry with you. He never knew that you had wanted to get rid of him in some sort of way.       This is the basis of your fear of violence. It is completely misplaced. It is based on a mistaken idea that you have been believing all your life. Your father was never angry with you and never wanted to revenge himself on you for having “got rid of him”.       A factor in curing your neurosis may well be that, if your father is now dead, it is possible for you to accept that there is no longer any threat from him; whereas, if he is still alive, it may be difficult for you to accept that there is no longer any threat from him even though I have exlained that he was never angry with you in the first place. Right from the beginning this has been a mistake that you made as a baby in assessing what was going on around you. You blamed yourself for your father's absence whereas we now see that it was not you that was to blame, but your mother.       In any case, things are now very different. At the time when this happened you were a baby and so your father seemed a giant who could wreak havoc on a small baby like you but now that you are grown up you are probably as big as your father and perhaps even bigger! He is no longer in a position to do the harm to you that he was capable of all those years ago. He is older and perhaps not as fit or active as he once was. Now things are completely different and you need to realise that.       All your life you have been frightened of your father, who was then a giant of a man compared to you, a helpless baby, expressing his anger on you but this was a mistaken idea on your part, a fantasy, that you can now forget all about as it was never true in the first place.       Hopefully this will now release you from this neurosis that was based on a misunderstanding on your part. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR NEUROSIS IS CURED? The crux of my books Wrestling for Gay Guys and Escape the Gay Straitjacket was curing the neurosis that caused an irrational fear of "violence" or of "violence erupting". This neurosis is acquired at a very early age and prevents the person from being able to use his anger and aggression. Repressing one’s anger is well known to cause more problems than it solves. These include being unable to stand up for oneself, being unable to express anger or aggression (which is an essential ingredient to playing many sports), being manipulated, feeling oppressed by society, being late for appointments, being unable to find Mr Right and so on. An interpretation that was designed to cure the neurosis was given in both books on pages 44-45 and 120-121 respectively.       In the Preface to Escape the Gay Straitjacket I mentioned that the book was a concise psychotherapy course plus a physical rehabilitation course which would normally take four or five years to encompass, so it was perhaps not surprising that many readers did not manage to cure their neurosis on reading Escape the Gay Straitjacket the first time. In the Preface I stated:       As the mind often takes time to accept new ideas or different perspectives of the same thing and to adjust to them; and as this book is in effect a course in psychotherapy which would, in real time, take perhaps four or five years to accomplish (as it did for me), it is in your own interest that you should read it in sequence from the beginning and not browse through it or delve into the end to see how it works out.       The ground needs to be prepared, ploughed and loosened, then have fertiliser and humus added and mixed together before one can plant seedlings and hope for them to grow. If you plant seedlings on hard soil that has not been ploughed you cannot expect them to take root or grow.       I might have added that the brain has a mechanism to preserve the status quo by preventing you from understanding a passage that is written (or spoken) in plain, simple language. Psychologists call this 'scotomization' from 'scotoma' meaning the obscuration of part of the field of vision. Readers have described it as "blanking over" when they read the relevant passage.       This is not surprising. It was indeed what happened to me the first time the psychiatrist explained the cause of the neurosis to me, and I had to ask him to repeat it so that I could understand it as I realised that it was essential for my cure to occur. At first he hesitated but as I was insistent, he obliged.       This supplement is thus a working over of the interpretation in different ways to help you to absorb the message successfully and so cure your neurosis.       How will you know when your neurosis is cured?       There will be a sudden shift in your attitude to other men that you can not avoid noticing. Your feelings toward them will become less fearful. Your fear of some men and your fear of “violence erupting” will no longer be there no matter how aggressive other men become. Even your attitude towards women might change. Women that I felt had been stern or dominant, suddenly appeared sad, even pathetic, to me. I felt free to call my dentist's assistant/receptionist by her first name, which I had never done before.       At first you may become unusually (for you) aggressive towards (some) other men (perhaps just to show that you can) but soon you will realise you are perhaps overstepping the mark and will tone down this behaviour to a more normal way.                                                                                             © Donald Black 2008 BUY Wrestling for Gay Guys NOW! HOW I CURED MY NEUROSIS by Rex Dunbar I grew up being afraid of guys and sports. I wouldn't even take a weightlifting class in high school because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to lift the lightest weight and would embarrass myself. I knew a wrestler but never considered wrestling. Years before I had preferred girls' pastimes like playing house, although I was never campy/fem. I avoided confrontation, and for several years thought aggression was stupid and you should always turn the other cheek. Yet I always longed for a tight masculine peer group like in the military or sports teams.       In college I started lifting weights but did not pursue any other sports.       Years later, when I was 31 I had the opportunity to join a tough masculine peer group (skinheads) to be one of the boys. It was where I had to be. But it was tougher than I anticipated: you were expected to defend yourself. Since I had no experience with rednecks, I thought everyone would support each other, but many of them like to knock each other around just for fun. I was sidelined for being gay, not so much because of sexuality but because "gays can't fight". (But many people were supportive, I should add.) I wanted to prove them wrong but didn't have the skills. I started liking aggression and it got me hard watching guys stand up to people, but I couldn't do it.       I attended a collegiate wrestling match and saw the hot buff guys. Exactly what I wanted in a partner and myself. A year later I joined a gay-friendly freestyle wrestling club. I wouldn't even participate the first day because I was afraid I couldn't, but the guys were so encouraging I gave it a try.       I wrestled on and off and made a bit of progress. But I still couldn't hit anybody hard or stand up to people, the punch-bag was fine but somehow with a person my punch would become feather-soft. I called it my "aggression block".       Then I read Donald Black's Escape the Gay Straitjacket and Wrestling for Gay Guys. The books described me. I digested them for several months and gradually understood why I had this aggression block and what to do about it. He says it's repressed anger, and 90% of gay men have it. At some point you were angry at your father but afraid to confront him physically or verbally because he was so much bigger than you, so you turned the anger inward. Then you transferred this fear to all males. It becomes "repressed" when you stop thinking about it consciously and don't realise that you're angry. Repressed anger causes self-hatred, depression, suicide -- the same things many gays suffer -- and flashes of rage. Compounding this, parents often discourage the boy from rugged "manly" behaviour and don't teach him how to stand up for himself, to compete in sports or other survival skills. So the boy is at a loss with other males and develops the same fear of them. This persists in adulthood, and lets others take advantage of him.       The solution, Black argues, is to acknowledge the anger and learn to express it. I wrote him and said I agreed with everything except the part about being angry with my father -- I don't ever remember that. He said I must have. I resisted for months and then finally admitted the possibility that I might have been angry with him at some point, even though I don't remember it. I swore at him for not teaching me survival skills and imagined knocking some sense into him. (He was dead so I couldn't tell him I was angry with him.) Suddenly my aggression block melted away. Seriously, I could confront other guys and assert myself in a way I couldn't before.       This happened even though I don't "blame" my dad for the problem. I know that alcohol and probably his own insecurities were the reason for his "absence". And they didn't intentionally discourage me from competitiveness and assertiveness, that may have been from the general feminist influence in society.       Black goes on to write about practical ways to acquire the missing skills. he recommends six months of freestyle wrestling or other combat sport to learn basic rough-and-tumble skills and the mental aspects of confrontation. He even describes how to make a fist and throw a punch. Due to my previous experiences I had already done half of this, but I was glad to see in black and white what "everybody knows" but I didn't.       For instance (and this is from all my experiences, not just from the book), many gays fear that if they say something assertive and over-confident the other guy will laugh at his feeble attempt and make him say "uncle". Actually the opposite is true. The other guy (especially a redneck) wants to be with somebody who has balls and will encourage it. If he calls you names or shoves you (playfully or maliciously), shove him back at least as hard. Many gays are afraid this will lead to an all-out fight. It won't. He knows he deserves it, and often it'll end right there. He'll respect you for "playing the game". He's enjoying being a bad boy for a minute, so you enjoy the body contact. That's how they express -- not affection, but a kind of "affection among men". Testosterone makes guys swear and fight and fuck, and you really can't separate the three. So they're "shooting their loads" in a macho kind of way. Just don't be a prick: nobody likes an arrogant asshole. And if they're straight, don't talk about sex. They don't want to hear about the details of your desires just like you don't want to hear about carpet munging and pussy juice.       Wrestling is important because it teaches you what you're capable of. I started with freestyle wrestling, then switched to submission wrestling which is more realistic. You learn what you can handle and what you can't, and you learn to make at least some people say "uncle". This makes you a deterrent. People won't shove you if they see in your eyes that you're daring them to. This makes them more comfortable, not less. And if you're like me, you find this assertiveness sexy as fuck. So don't just admire the wrestler, be the wrestler. You'll get laid more.       Many straights have suppressed anger, but because it has been "attached" to gay men so strongly (probably due to historical religious reasons), gays are seen as passive and effeminate. This was not the case in ancient Greece, where gays were seen as the best warriors. (They had an extra incentive to fight because they got off on it.) I think (and this will offend some) the passiveness/effemininity is repressed anger. It may be natural for a few people but not possible for the number who profess it.       The gay community has created a valuable space where gays can be safe, but it ultimately ignores the larger problem. An occasional drag show is valuable as satire. But drag shows every week, as the main expression of "our" community, is the wrong way to go.       I get sick of Pride parades proclaiming in my name things I can't identify with.       The gay community should be helping guys express their anger and regain their birthright as men, not telling them they shouldn't want it anyway.       Because in fact they do, it's hardwired into them biologically. This means "standing up to straights on their own terms", not asking for "tolerance". If enough gays stood up and said, "Call me a faggot and I'll knock your block off", 90% of the tension between gays and straights would disappear. Assimilation would naturally follow, and the gay ghettos would shrink significatly as gays found they didn't need them.                                                                                   © Rex Dunbar 2004 Used with permission. BUY Wrestling for Gay Guys NOW! The Supplement BLOG        Have your say!        SEND YOUR VIEW Well. I thought that piece was very enlightening. I am a rather placid, 'benign' sorta person - always waitin for the other to make the move and I respond.  Always attributed it to my lack of skill and knowledge of offensive moves.  Either that, or just that I'm one of those non-confrontational sort.  But . . hey . . that piece may explain some. And . . . always 'keep quiet' in situations of confrontation.  Although I guess I never had to 'defend myself', I wonder if I would step up to assist others.  I'm sure culture and tradition has something to do with it (there was a poll/survey done before, and others did the same), but sometimes I also think I'm too weak/too unskilled to handle the situation . . . OR . . . could be explained by your piece. One wonders . . . :-(                                                                   Joe, BJJ/MMA practitioner.

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