Wrestling for Gay Guys

What readers say -

Highly recommended

Mitch's web site

It's brilliant! . . . and long overdue.

C.S., Bristol

That BOOK is inspirational!

Seán, Limerick, Ireland

I wish you'd published your book 25 years ago . . . wrestling's one of the best things I've ever done . . . Wrestling matches I've been in never turn me on -- not ever. But the thrill and release of anger is something only a wrestler or fighter can ever know. I am able to tap into that energy whenever I need to assert myself in daily life . . . Life is getting better now . . . as a wrestler I find myself becoming an object of desire to both men and women, it's not something I'm bragging about. It actually makes me feel uncomfortable but I've grown used to it.

E.R., Seattle

Just the briefest of note to tell you that your book arrived this morning and have been devouring it in my free moments. Very impressive so far, mostly the psychology stuff, which before I started reading said: "This doesn't apply to me", but which as I read fascinates me by the quantity of resonances it awakes.
I'll get back to you when I've made more progress, but I can already see that it's going to be a seminal book in my life.

I got the book Friday morning and finished it Saturday afternoon. So I had a cup of tea and started reading it again . . . Actually I found the psychology quite convincing . . . more so than the gay gene. Also you go further than the simple "weak father, strong identity with the mother" idea.
The cross-dressing one for example, I had never considered, but on reading it came flooding back to me, that I was born 1 year after my sister, who was the eldest, and, of course all her baby clothes (in pinks etc. and the buttons fastening on the wrong side) were passed on to me. I have a distinct memory of realising this and being unhappy about it.
Also the Dad's lack of initiating us into masculine games or play/fighting.
All, from a personal point of view very convincing . . .
Mostly, but, have been mulling over some of the stuff in your book, about the aggressive instinct and other things about my parents which I had half forgotten.
So far my feeling is that your book is a MUST READ for gay men, whether interested in wrestling or not. It reminds me of when years ago I read The Homosexual Matrix by Tripp or States of Desire by Edmund White.
I take very seriously the bits of the book about the wrestling club, as it is an issue I am trying to deal with at the moment, and your book is a treasure of "must know" information.

Patrick McAree, Barcelona

I've always been interested in wrestling. I'm too old to take part now, but if I had read Wrestling for Gay Guys when I was in my twenties I might have become quite a good wrestler.

A.W., Los Angeles

Before I read Wrestling for Gay Guys I felt so guilty about wanting to wrestle I couldn't tell anybody but after reading the book I was no longer worried about telling my friends and my employer so I was able to change my shifts so that I could go to a wrestling club. It's changed my whole life!

M.F., London

Thank you for writing Wrestling for Gay Guys.

R.D., Sydney

I read your book right through at one sitting and then I read it right through again.

F.K., Seattle

Your book has helped me sort out my wrestling. But more than that. It has helped me to sort out the rest of my life too. I'm really grateful.

B.N., London

I started reading Wrestling for Gay Guys and now I already reached Chapter 5. (It's quite hard for someone from Germany, to read an English book.) So far it's a great book. I'll recommend it on my page as a must for all gay guys who are into wrestling.

M.K., Berlin

Five years ago I went to a wrestling club and was injured again and again. Now that I've read Wrestling for Gay Guys I know how injuries occur and how to avoid them.

B.S., London

This book covers everything you would ever want to know about gay wrestling, and more!

MatMen newsletter

The Baton Rouge/New Orleans Wrestling Club has nothing but high praise for this book. Its contents as well as its illustrations are excellent.

BRNO newsletter

I grew up being afraid of guys and sports. I wouldn't even take a weightlifting class in high school because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to lift the lightest weight and would embarrass myself. I knew a wrestler but never considered wrestling. Years before I had preferred girls' pastimes like playing house, although I was never campy/fem. I avoided confrontation, and for several years thought aggression was stupid and you should always turn the other cheek. Yet I always longed for a tight masculine peer group like in the military or sports teams.

In college I started lifting weights but did not pursue any other sports.

Years later, when I was 31, I had the opportunity to join a tough masculine peer group (skinheads), to be one of the boys. It was where I had to be. But it was rougher than I anticipated: you were expected to defend yourself. Since I had no experience with rednecks I thought everyone would support each other, but many of them like to knock each other around just for fun. I was sidelined for being gay, not so much because of sexuality but because "gays can't fight". (But many people were supportive, I should add.) I wanted to prove them wrong but didn't have the skills. I started liking aggression and it got me hard watching guys stand up to people, but I couldn't do it.

I attended a collegiate wrestling match and saw the the hot buff guys. Exactly what I wanted in a partner and myself. A year later I joined a gay-friendly freestyle wrestling club. I wouldn't even participate the first day because I was afraid I couldn't, but the guys were so encouraging I gave it a try. I wrestled on and off and made a bit of progress. But I still couldn't hit anybody hard or stand up to people; the bag was fine but somehow with a person my punch would become feather soft. I called it my "aggression block".

Then I read Donald Black's Escape the Gay Straitjacket and Wrestling for Gay Guys. The books described me. I digested them for several months and gradually understood why I had this aggression block and what to do about it. He says it's repressed anger, and 90% of gay men have it. At some point you were angry at your father but afraid to confront him physically or verbally because he was so much bigger than you, so you turned the anger inward. Then you transferred this fear to all males. It becomes "repressed" when you stop thinking about it consciously and don't realize that you're angry. Repressed anger causes self-hatred, depression, suicide -- the same things many gays suffer -- and flashes of rage. Compounding this, parents often discourage the boy from rugged "manly" behavior and don't teach him how to stand up for himself, compete in sports, or other survival skills. So the boy is at a loss with other males and develops the same fear of them. This persists in adulthood, and lets others take advantage of him.

The solution, Black argues, is to acknowledge the anger and learn to express it. I wrote him and said I agreed with everything except the part about being angry with my father -- I don't ever remember that. He said I must have. I resisted for months and then finally admitted the possibility that I might have been angry with him at some point, even though I don't remember it. I swore at him for not teaching me survival skills and imagined knocking some sense into him. (He was dead so I couldn't tell him I was angry with him.) Suddenly my aggression block melted away. Seriously. I could confront other guys and assert myself in a way I couldn't before.

This happened even though I don't "blame" my dad for the problem. I know that alcohol and probably his own insecurities were the reason for his "absence". And they didn't intentionally discourage me from competitiveness and assertiveness; that may have been from the general feminist influence in society.

Black goes on to write about practical ways to acquire the missing skills. He recommends six months of freestyle wrestling or other combat sport to learn basic rough-and-tumble skills and the mental aspects of confrontation. He even describes how to make a fist and throw a punch. Due to my previous experiences I had already done half of this, but I was glad to see in black and white what "everybody knows" but I didn't.

For instance (and this is from all my experiences, not just from the book), many gays fear that if they say something assertive and overconfident, the other guy will laugh at his feeble attempt and make him say uncle. Actually the opposite is true. The other guy (especially a redneck) wants to be with somebody who has balls and will encourage it. If he calls you names or shoves you (playfully or maliciously), shove him back at least as hard. Many gays are afraid this will lead to an all-out fight. It won't. He knows he deserves it, and often it'll end right there. He'll respect you for "playing the game". He's enjoying being a bad boy for a minute, so you enjoy the body contact. That's how they express -- not affection, but a kind of "affection among men". Testosterone makes guys swear and fight and fuck, and you really can't separate the three. So they're "shooting their loads" in a macho kind of way. Just don't be a prick: nobody likes an arrogant asshole. And if they're straight, don't talk about sex. They don't want to hear about the details of your desires just like you don't want to hear about carpet munging and pussy juice.

Wrestling is important because it teaches you what you're capable of. I started with freestyle wrestling, then switched to submission wrestling which is more realistic. You learn what you can handle and what you can't, and you learn to make at least some people say uncle. This makes you a deterrent. People won't shove you if they see in your eyes that you're daring them to. This makes them more comfortable, not less. And if you're like me, you find this assertiveness sexy as fuck. So don't just admire the wrestler, be the wrestler. You'll get laid more.

Many straights have suppressed anger, but because it has been "attached" to gay men so strongly (probably due to historical religious reasons), gays are seen as passive and effeminiate. This was not the case in ancient Greece, where gays were seen as the best warriors. (They had an extra incentive to fight because they got off on it.) I think (and this will offend some) the passiveness/effemininity is repressed anger. It may be natural for a few people but not possibly for the number who profess it. The gay community has created a valuable space where gays can be safe, but it ultimately ignores the larger problem. An occasional drag show is valuable as satire. But drag shows every week, as the main expression of "our" community, is the wrong way to go. I get sick of Pride parades proclaiming in my name things I can't identify with. The gay community should be helping guys express their anger and regain their birthright as men, not telling them they shouldn't want it anyway. Because in fact they do, it's hardwired into them biologically. This means "standing up to straights on their own terms", not asking for "tolerance". If enough gays stood up and said, "Call me a faggot and I'll knock your block off," 90% of the tension between gays and straights would disappear. Assimilation would naturally follow, and the gay ghettos would shrink significantly as gays found they didn't need them.

Rex Dunbar